i swear i’m gonna cry.


It’s hard being “just yourself”

When we meet new people, we certainly try to make an impression. We consciously make an effort for them to see us the way we wanted to be seen – be it by our looks or how we treat them. It’s an added bonus if by meeting them for the first time, they would like to have a second hang-out with us. But one of the hardest thing is to keep that image unshaken. We always wanted to impress others, especially the ones that caught our attention. For us girls, we wanted to look best during our dates, specifically our first dates, because we want the boys to see us in a way we particularly wanted to be seen – amazing, beautiful, glamorous – you name it. But we all know impressions don’t last and there’s a proverbial fact that truth will set us free, I suppose that the image you’d been holding on for so long or not-so-long will crack and someone will see you beneath that mask.

Being yourself is such a hard thing to do. We assume that showing the “real” us will mean that we’re baring ourselves to the world. That people will know our flaws, and they won’t accept us for that. We always wanted to look best and let them see it that way. But remember you deserve someone who will truly accept you for whatever character you have. Be it mean, obnoxious, self-indulgent person you truly are. I believe there is good and bad inside of us. We cannot simply put a word to describe who we really are because we are evolving every single day. There may be days when we feel like we must do something good so we help other people and days when we just felt like being mean so we bitch them out. But the person who chose to be with you in every day – whether good or bad – is a person worth spending your time with.

Maybe next time I’ll take note of this and won’t be such a hypocrite 🙂


Moved on, from what exactly?

By the time you thought you are well over the days of self-destructive loneliness out of being broken, and starting on a new chapter with a guy whom you really like and possibly end up with, well you’re really not that over yet. i mean, yes you could be over “the guy” who soullessly rip your heart out. Being broken actually has some effects that would manifest as you find yourself falling in love again. You will succumbed to this paranoia that it might happen again. that every other guy you see is the same as the last who left you for someone else. It will be mind blowing, tugging at the ends of your thoughts every goddamn second. And all the time he is not beside you is a constant marathon of “what if he met someone better just like the last? what is wrong with me? What if he’s not really into it?” kind of ideas. Pure torture. and you start to wonder, how can you be fixed? i don’t really know the answer to that as you can see, I, too, is wondering. so how do you think?


Of course it will be better

It’s Christmas season and it was supposed to be jolly, fun, and exciting. But remind me again why am I spending my Christmas time inside our house without any adventures, or should I say, it’s an absolute bore in here? Days passed by like a blur and I am pretty sure it’s not the story I’d want to share with my friends when classes resumed. It’s always been like this as far as I could remember how my Christmases went. Although I’ve come to the point wherein I just accepted this saddening fact about my life. I just try to think that my life is much better compared to others who don’t have a family or even a home to spend their Christmas time with. However mundane or boring my life now, I still should be thankful that I am not experiencing some bigger problems in life and I am not overly depressed at the moment. Well, it’s quite depressing to think you’re not having the best Christmas break of your life. But still, this is bearable.

I guess I grew up now to adapt in my surroundings. Before, I was having a hard time accepting this imperfect part of my life that I am limited to do what I really want but those limitations taught me that in life, you cannot always get what you want when you want it, you just have to be happy with what you  have and make the most out of it. I always picture myself to be a better much stronger person and that these days, weeks, or years, too, shall pass. I still have tomorrow to look forward to and I just need to make sure that today will end up quite better than yesterday.

Although its somehow imperative for us to have regrets for the things we never did and try out, let’s think of our regrets as a lesson that if we’re given again another next time, then we’ll take the chance and face all the consequences, good or bad.

It’s exhausting to think how pathetic my life had been but still, I think in the future, all will be well.



i’m not living, i’m just killing time

What are we doing? cradling all the fear and pain inside of us. it’s almost as if we choose to suffer sometimes. Make the gray clouds black, so what? so everything else becomes more obvious? as if it isn’t already is. Your love lives a few miles from where you are, the answers are right in front of your eyes, written across the wall you have been staring for hours. Make up your mind, let go of the snake inside your heart. pain is not keeping you alive. the fact that you are longing for someone, wishing that one day you’ll have the courage to get in your car and drove that few miles to close the space and make her yours for the rest of your life. i’m only saying this, a whisper in the dark. because, i wish someone would do that to me. a faint hope. maybe it’s time i start to live my life.