To a friend

To you, my dearest Logan:

I am so proud to your achievements. I’ve seen your posts on your site and all were amazing. You’re becoming a very good writer, which I already know will happen since the beginning. I am just waiting for the first publication of your own book! I miss you so much! And your short film… woah, you’re a director and a writer at the same time. I applaud your success and your talents!

So next time we see each other, we should celebrate!

Love ya ­čÖé

Love is what?

I don’t know what love is. Maybe its the feeling you get when you see your parents during weekends, or that moment when you pet your cats and talk to them, cuddle each of them, or its when you watch a sappy movie and your heart constrict you cannot take it any longer so you’ll burst into tears, but after that movie you’ll just go back to the usual things you’re doing, and think “Why is my life not like a movie?”

Oh well, I don’t feel any romantic love for the opposite sex right now. So the fairy tales, the happy ever after, the forever love for each other, the promises, the sweetness, the balloons, cakes, and roses during Valentine’s day, the movies together, the kiss, the holding hands, the hugs and sex, the late night text and call with each other, the flirting, and whatever it is that couples do. I don’t do that. Simply because I am not with someone. I am just by myself, alone, waiting, frustrated… okay, so I am not frustrated. Actually, it’s okay for me. Because who needs someone anyway? If I don’t feel like falling in love or loving someone or looking for that prince charming of mine, then it’s okay.

I still have remaining years for me to do that. Actually, I could do that right now. If only I could feel the love that they were describing in books, or showing in the movies. Because at this moment, I realize, love is the hardest thing to find.

Not the shallow love some teenagers think that’s true love, but the real love love with no happy endings, no forever love, no promises, no balloons, cakes, and roses during Valentine’s day. Just you and him together because you wanted to be. For no reason, no apprehensions, no doubts. Just love, that love.

So, I am being a hopeless romantic right now. For a change, I guess.

I’m not prepared for this

I haven’t thought of writing about something lately. Probably because of my hectic schedule these past few months, the 9pm dismissal class, the late night studying, or maybe I just don’t feel like it. Because I lose my feelings, or that odd sense of contentment you feel when you’re writing. Like its the best thing you ever do. Like you are free to express yourself to the world. Like everyone can see you on your naked glory.

But, it doesn’t went that way for me. I know I am not into writing. I am not good at words, or I cannot even finish a book right now. Why? Because I just don’t “feel” like it. Just like I don’t “feel” like studying tonight for our quiz on Monday, or not going out and do something new, weird, exciting, or fun. I am not here wallowing myself into drama. I don’t like dramas. In fact last night I went out with a few friends for a karaoke night that we missed doing for a year. I could say that night went great. But the feeling is only temporary. I only felt happy at that moment, not the happiness that would wake you up smiling everyday. Because life for me is not like that. I lost my sense of direction, its skewed actually. I am achieving to just get over with accounting that I barely know what I am capable of doing anymore. I said I wasn’t a good writer, but do you need to be good at words to be a good writer? Or what you need is for yourself to believe that you are or could be a good writer?

Just like I told myself I am a good singer, but I don’t practice it. Partially because I am busy, nor maybe I just don’t find time to do things I’d love to do the most. I am limiting myself to what I have now, not really maximizing opportunities. I don’t like it. I never like it. But I kept on doing it. I do it everyday. And I’m pretty sure I’ll never stop doing it.

Am I making sense here? It’s kind of tiring to think that, “My life sucks”, “I’m an emo, leave me alone”, “Fuck off people”, “Whatever” or yea, whatever, ┬ábecause your life should not supposed to be thinking what’s bad about you, what you cannot achieve, or what you don’t want to achieve at this moment. Believe me, you always needed those people around you. You can’t be just by yourself, although you needed time to be alone. But eventually, you’ll feel like the world don’t care for you and think that those people around you are only fooling you. That they’re fake and they pretend to like you, but please, it’s you who also don’t like them. It was you who’s thinking that thing. So don’t put the blame on others.

Wanna know who’s the “you” that I am talking about? It could be yes, me, but it could also be the “you” you. So if you’re reading this, you’d probably think that I’m being weird again but its okay because I know you’re weird as me and we love it.

This isn’t being bizarre. This is ┬áme speaking my thoughts out loud and trying to write it permanently, so other people would read this in their spare time, or just because they miss me.

So well, don’t give a shit about life. Don’t make it hard on yourself. If being happy is being selfish, then I don’t know! Just continue to be happy I guess? You’re not born to please other people, you’re born to please yourself. But be sure that at the deepest bottom of your heart, it’s what you really want.

Yea, I am not fucking prepared to write this. So just bear with me. I have no idea what I am talking about.

Jealous

To those who wake up each morning with a purpose
To those people who can smile like nothing’s ever wrong with their lives
To those sharp, attentive, efficient people
To those who go out on dates
To those who design their walls, their nails, their shoes
To those who CAN sit in the park with friends
To those who are pursuing their real dreams
To those who can freely say ‘fuck you’ to anyone who stand their way
To those who are  happy, loud, comfortable and contented
To those who are happy, loud/meek, in love
To those who can drink until they throw up their brains
To those who help their parents prepare dinner
To those who can get a B- and will just laugh at it
To those who have friends who will laugh with you
To those who get to be who they want to be
To those who don’t give a damn singing even not on tune
To those who can sleep peacefully at night
To those who don’t just forget, or break things
To those who are sure of themselves who they are
To those who are not me.