I’m not prepared for this

I haven’t thought of writing about something lately. Probably because of my hectic schedule these past few months, the 9pm dismissal class, the late night studying, or maybe I just don’t feel like it. Because I lose my feelings, or that odd sense of contentment you feel when you’re writing. Like its the best thing you ever do. Like you are free to express yourself to the world. Like everyone can see you on your naked glory.

But, it doesn’t went that way for me. I know I am not into writing. I am not good at words, or I cannot even finish a book right now. Why? Because I just don’t “feel” like it. Just like I don’t “feel” like studying tonight for our quiz on Monday, or not going out and do something new, weird, exciting, or fun. I am not here wallowing myself into drama. I don’t like dramas. In fact last night I went out with a few friends for a karaoke night that we missed doing for a year. I could say that night went great. But the feeling is only temporary. I only felt happy at that moment, not the happiness that would wake you up smiling everyday. Because life for me is not like that. I lost my sense of direction, its skewed actually. I am achieving to just get over with accounting that I barely know what I am capable of doing anymore. I said I wasn’t a good writer, but do you need to be good at words to be a good writer? Or what you need is for yourself to believe that you are or could be a good writer?

Just like I told myself I am a good singer, but I don’t practice it. Partially because I am busy, nor maybe I just don’t find time to do things I’d love to do the most. I am limiting myself to what I have now, not really maximizing opportunities. I don’t like it. I never like it. But I kept on doing it. I do it everyday. And I’m pretty sure I’ll never stop doing it.

Am I making sense here? It’s kind of tiring to think that, “My life sucks”, “I’m an emo, leave me alone”, “Fuck off people”, “Whatever” or yea, whatever,  because your life should not supposed to be thinking what’s bad about you, what you cannot achieve, or what you don’t want to achieve at this moment. Believe me, you always needed those people around you. You can’t be just by yourself, although you needed time to be alone. But eventually, you’ll feel like the world don’t care for you and think that those people around you are only fooling you. That they’re fake and they pretend to like you, but please, it’s you who also don’t like them. It was you who’s thinking that thing. So don’t put the blame on others.

Wanna know who’s the “you” that I am talking about? It could be yes, me, but it could also be the “you” you. So if you’re reading this, you’d probably think that I’m being weird again but its okay because I know you’re weird as me and we love it.

This isn’t being bizarre. This is  me speaking my thoughts out loud and trying to write it permanently, so other people would read this in their spare time, or just because they miss me.

So well, don’t give a shit about life. Don’t make it hard on yourself. If being happy is being selfish, then I don’t know! Just continue to be happy I guess? You’re not born to please other people, you’re born to please yourself. But be sure that at the deepest bottom of your heart, it’s what you really want.

Yea, I am not fucking prepared to write this. So just bear with me. I have no idea what I am talking about.


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