Failed chances and knockdown opportunities

Tonight is one of the nights wherein I had so many thoughts running inside my head. Thoughts about my ‘miserable life’, about dramas, chances I never took, opportunities I passed on.

You see, I’m almost on my 20s. I should not be acting like a teenager, and thinking like one for that matter. I should have been over the “I hate my life, stay away from me” or “rebellious” moment. I should have experienced a broken heart, confessions, nights walking hand in hand with someone, cuddle, kiss, etc. It was supposed to happen, but you see, I am not the person who take the risk. I know where to stop. I know how to play safe. And it was probably not very good at all, since at the end of the day, neither I lose nor won. So, it felt empty, for me. This is the reason why I wrote this. So I can look back and think, and probably regret the things I never took, or which I took for granted. The person I met, the guys who showed likeness towards me, the guys I liked and somehow loved. It’s all too much right now.

IF ONLY… this is the phrase that I dreaded saying, because it starting to sound common to my ears. “If only this and that and blah blah blah…” My nightmares are starting to eat me up alive, and tonight is probably one of those nights I wish never happens.

Oh, how melodramatic do I sound.

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When will I have a life?

I am totally missing out on something great here. And sadly, I am letting it happen.

Oh noseee, what should I do? Five days have gone by without me trying to console some of my friends, or trying to ask about them, not that they did the same thing for me. Besides, who needs some people who don’t give a shit? Although that’s not entirely what I am feeling tonight. So I guess I kept on wondering what has gotten into my life. What will happen, that’s the rhetorical question. I don’t want to be like my brother, who wasted almost a decade of his life for nothing. Yea, I’ve seen and witnessed it. It’s much better if he even tried to go out of his shell and fail, but no, he did not. He never tried and I bet I’d been witnessing that in the future. It’ just… I don’t want to be like him.

Or to be like anyone else for that matter. I want to be me. But who is the real me? It’s no wonder I keep on wondering what the hell do I want to do with my life. I just want to live, freely. With no “what ifs”, no “solid expectations”, no “if only” and the list goes on. But who am I kidding? Right now it feels like I’ve deprived myself of so many opportunities that came knocking on my door. I shut them all. I never tried to win the race. I just forfeited my chance. So what am I going to do now? Make a drama out of it? Post it as a status on facebook? Tweet it like my followers even cared? Put it in this blog site? Well, obviously the latter is what I am doing right now. I’ve got so much thing going on in my mind that lately these past few nights I can’t sleep well without my life replaying inside my head over and over again.

When will it stop? When will I stop questioning myself, my life, my destiny? When will I ever stand up and do something different for a while that would make me change something in myself and in my life? I know I should be thankful that I’ve got more opportunities than other people, but still like most people feel about their lives, there is no self-satisfaction. I am starting to doubt if Maslow even reached the top of his hierarchy level of needs, or which level did he even reached. I am starting to believe that deep inside, people are never satisfied in their lives. There will always come a time when everything feels perfect, then suddenly things will fall off differently and everything is not so perfect anymore. When you think you’ve got what you want, suddenly its not what you really want anymore.

I keep on thinking about everything, and it won’t stop. I wonder what was stored for me in the future, and my wondering never stops. I wonder but not act. I think that’s what I’m good at doing, to wonder. I wonder this, that, and the list went on so I mostly wonder about everything. I came up with my own imaginative world that I created out of my wondering. *Sigh* This thinking just won’t stop, isn’t it?

So I’m not here to whine, to be a drama queen, to write about sappy romances or crushes or even love, to vent my hate in this world or what, and whatever. I just want to write this simply because I thought maybe, just maybe, somebody would read this and think, “She’s complicated…and nuts.” Because I am starting to believe I am, and its frustrating to know that I cannot do anything about it.

So let’s leave that one up to you.