So I don’t know what to say anymore

All my life, I worry I might not meet the man I’ll want to spend the rest of my life with. I worry that he will not come and he won’t find me. Since high school, I am not much of a girl who change her relationship status like girls change clothes. I am not much into guys but I admit I’d like a few guys before. Some remain unrequited but mostly, it was them whose likeness towards me remain one-sided. I am not sure if today is the karma I am getting for playing safe too much but honestly, its no fun being alone. I thought perhaps I deserve more than those who I met before so I painstakingly wait for the right one to come. But maybe my friend was right to say I let something I wish for so long to pass right before my eyes and all I did was watch. I always thought there is someone who’ll come and be patient, way more patient than the guys who went after me, to wait for me and perhaps woo me again in the future. But who am I kidding? No one can wait for that long, especially if I am not showing much interest to them. People are right to say that you will only realize what you have until it’s gone. And no one’s trying to win me over now. It sucks you know, as a girl, who looks ordinary yet deserving to have her own love story, to see it not happening to her. To witness her life as love-less, soul-less girl who turned down all creature who tried to win her. It was like, do I deserve it? Or maybe the question really here is, did they deserve it? It was not like I turned them down hard, more like I friend-zoned them. But still, if they really are into me, they could somehow fight for their feelings right? But who am I to bull? Feelings change. Perhaps they woke up one day and found themselves thinking “How did I even liked her?” or they woke up out of their reverie. I am feeling empty right now. I miss the attention people gave to me. I am that selfish. I want attention as much as other girls want it. I want my love to be perfect, I wanna be perfect. It’s my selfish desire. And we all do have our own desire.

I just wish mine would somehow happen.

-A

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