It’s hard being “just yourself”

When we meet new people, we certainly try to make an impression. We consciously make an effort for them to see us the way we wanted to be seen – be it by our looks or how we treat them. It’s an added bonus if by meeting them for the first time, they would like to have a second hang-out with us. But one of the hardest thing is to keep that image unshaken. We always wanted to impress others, especially the ones that caught our attention. For us girls, we wanted to look best during our dates, specifically our first dates, because we want the boys to see us in a way we particularly wanted to be seen – amazing, beautiful, glamorous – you name it. But we all know impressions don’t last and there’s a proverbial fact that truth will set us free, I suppose that the image you’d been holding on for so long or not-so-long will crack and someone will see you beneath that mask.

Being yourself is such a hard thing to do. We assume that showing the “real” us will mean that we’re baring ourselves to the world. That people will know our flaws, and they won’t accept us for that. We always wanted to look best and let them see it that way. But remember you deserve someone who will truly accept you for whatever character you have. Be it mean, obnoxious, self-indulgent person you truly are. I believe there is good and bad inside of us. We cannot simply put a word to describe who we really are because we are evolving every single day. There may be days when we feel like we must do something good so we help other people and days when we just felt like being mean so we bitch them out. But the person who chose to be with you in every day – whether good or bad – is a person worth spending your time with.

Maybe next time I’ll take note of this and won’t be such a hypocrite 🙂



Of course it will be better

It’s Christmas season and it was supposed to be jolly, fun, and exciting. But remind me again why am I spending my Christmas time inside our house without any adventures, or should I say, it’s an absolute bore in here? Days passed by like a blur and I am pretty sure it’s not the story I’d want to share with my friends when classes resumed. It’s always been like this as far as I could remember how my Christmases went. Although I’ve come to the point wherein I just accepted this saddening fact about my life. I just try to think that my life is much better compared to others who don’t have a family or even a home to spend their Christmas time with. However mundane or boring my life now, I still should be thankful that I am not experiencing some bigger problems in life and I am not overly depressed at the moment. Well, it’s quite depressing to think you’re not having the best Christmas break of your life. But still, this is bearable.

I guess I grew up now to adapt in my surroundings. Before, I was having a hard time accepting this imperfect part of my life that I am limited to do what I really want but those limitations taught me that in life, you cannot always get what you want when you want it, you just have to be happy with what you  have and make the most out of it. I always picture myself to be a better much stronger person and that these days, weeks, or years, too, shall pass. I still have tomorrow to look forward to and I just need to make sure that today will end up quite better than yesterday.

Although its somehow imperative for us to have regrets for the things we never did and try out, let’s think of our regrets as a lesson that if we’re given again another next time, then we’ll take the chance and face all the consequences, good or bad.

It’s exhausting to think how pathetic my life had been but still, I think in the future, all will be well.



So I don’t know what to say anymore

All my life, I worry I might not meet the man I’ll want to spend the rest of my life with. I worry that he will not come and he won’t find me. Since high school, I am not much of a girl who change her relationship status like girls change clothes. I am not much into guys but I admit I’d like a few guys before. Some remain unrequited but mostly, it was them whose likeness towards me remain one-sided. I am not sure if today is the karma I am getting for playing safe too much but honestly, its no fun being alone. I thought perhaps I deserve more than those who I met before so I painstakingly wait for the right one to come. But maybe my friend was right to say I let something I wish for so long to pass right before my eyes and all I did was watch. I always thought there is someone who’ll come and be patient, way more patient than the guys who went after me, to wait for me and perhaps woo me again in the future. But who am I kidding? No one can wait for that long, especially if I am not showing much interest to them. People are right to say that you will only realize what you have until it’s gone. And no one’s trying to win me over now. It sucks you know, as a girl, who looks ordinary yet deserving to have her own love story, to see it not happening to her. To witness her life as love-less, soul-less girl who turned down all creature who tried to win her. It was like, do I deserve it? Or maybe the question really here is, did they deserve it? It was not like I turned them down hard, more like I friend-zoned them. But still, if they really are into me, they could somehow fight for their feelings right? But who am I to bull? Feelings change. Perhaps they woke up one day and found themselves thinking “How did I even liked her?” or they woke up out of their reverie. I am feeling empty right now. I miss the attention people gave to me. I am that selfish. I want attention as much as other girls want it. I want my love to be perfect, I wanna be perfect. It’s my selfish desire. And we all do have our own desire.

I just wish mine would somehow happen.


Failed chances and knockdown opportunities

Tonight is one of the nights wherein I had so many thoughts running inside my head. Thoughts about my ‘miserable life’, about dramas, chances I never took, opportunities I passed on.

You see, I’m almost on my 20s. I should not be acting like a teenager, and thinking like one for that matter. I should have been over the “I hate my life, stay away from me” or “rebellious” moment. I should have experienced a broken heart, confessions, nights walking hand in hand with someone, cuddle, kiss, etc. It was supposed to happen, but you see, I am not the person who take the risk. I know where to stop. I know how to play safe. And it was probably not very good at all, since at the end of the day, neither I lose nor won. So, it felt empty, for me. This is the reason why I wrote this. So I can look back and think, and probably regret the things I never took, or which I took for granted. The person I met, the guys who showed likeness towards me, the guys I liked and somehow loved. It’s all too much right now.

IF ONLY… this is the phrase that I dreaded saying, because it starting to sound common to my ears. “If only this and that and blah blah blah…” My nightmares are starting to eat me up alive, and tonight is probably one of those nights I wish never happens.

Oh, how melodramatic do I sound.

When will I have a life?

I am totally missing out on something great here. And sadly, I am letting it happen.

Oh noseee, what should I do? Five days have gone by without me trying to console some of my friends, or trying to ask about them, not that they did the same thing for me. Besides, who needs some people who don’t give a shit? Although that’s not entirely what I am feeling tonight. So I guess I kept on wondering what has gotten into my life. What will happen, that’s the rhetorical question. I don’t want to be like my brother, who wasted almost a decade of his life for nothing. Yea, I’ve seen and witnessed it. It’s much better if he even tried to go out of his shell and fail, but no, he did not. He never tried and I bet I’d been witnessing that in the future. It’ just… I don’t want to be like him.

Or to be like anyone else for that matter. I want to be me. But who is the real me? It’s no wonder I keep on wondering what the hell do I want to do with my life. I just want to live, freely. With no “what ifs”, no “solid expectations”, no “if only” and the list goes on. But who am I kidding? Right now it feels like I’ve deprived myself of so many opportunities that came knocking on my door. I shut them all. I never tried to win the race. I just forfeited my chance. So what am I going to do now? Make a drama out of it? Post it as a status on facebook? Tweet it like my followers even cared? Put it in this blog site? Well, obviously the latter is what I am doing right now. I’ve got so much thing going on in my mind that lately these past few nights I can’t sleep well without my life replaying inside my head over and over again.

When will it stop? When will I stop questioning myself, my life, my destiny? When will I ever stand up and do something different for a while that would make me change something in myself and in my life? I know I should be thankful that I’ve got more opportunities than other people, but still like most people feel about their lives, there is no self-satisfaction. I am starting to doubt if Maslow even reached the top of his hierarchy level of needs, or which level did he even reached. I am starting to believe that deep inside, people are never satisfied in their lives. There will always come a time when everything feels perfect, then suddenly things will fall off differently and everything is not so perfect anymore. When you think you’ve got what you want, suddenly its not what you really want anymore.

I keep on thinking about everything, and it won’t stop. I wonder what was stored for me in the future, and my wondering never stops. I wonder but not act. I think that’s what I’m good at doing, to wonder. I wonder this, that, and the list went on so I mostly wonder about everything. I came up with my own imaginative world that I created out of my wondering. *Sigh* This thinking just won’t stop, isn’t it?

So I’m not here to whine, to be a drama queen, to write about sappy romances or crushes or even love, to vent my hate in this world or what, and whatever. I just want to write this simply because I thought maybe, just maybe, somebody would read this and think, “She’s complicated…and nuts.” Because I am starting to believe I am, and its frustrating to know that I cannot do anything about it.

So let’s leave that one up to you.

Promises are never kept.

When will you store it in the first place? Promises, full of promises. Life is so full of that. Forever promises. Infinite promises. What kind of promises are stored out there? People, always make promises. Always use the word “promise” in their sentences, especially in dire times. When they needed it most. When someone needs reassurance. We simply have to promise anything, though unimaginable and impossible. We still do it, say it, promise it. That’s what promises do. It never was and never will be kept locked to forever, because forever is bullshit. Promises are bullshits. Its just words spoken by people who doesn’t know any better. Words spoken between friends, loved ones, couples, married ones, etc.

Promises sucks. So that’s all my mind has to say. I won’t bullshitting anyone. But I know I am talking shit, even though promises are bullshits. It adds drama to life. And what more a person could wish for? More drama.

Realizing the fault is not in our stars.

So right now I can’t get over Gus and Hazel Grace. Their story was like An Imperial Affliction. It ends in the middle of the story. Or I guess it doesn’t really end. It leaves you hanging, wanting for more. Their story don’t have an ending. It leaves you wondering what could have happened with Hazel Grace, if her death was the same as Gus. Or if she really died or survived a few more years. We don’t exactly know what happened in her life after the last sentences of the novel. If Isaac might have an eye transplant or what. But I learned from the book that once a novel ends, it ends with its characters. There’s no more story after that. It was up to you to make it, or to accept that it ends there. Just like life, death happens in the middle of life. The universe will not stop when someone died. It still goes on. So death was just a passing time. A fleeting glance. A second pause. It could be an hour, days, months, or years to someone. But its only a blink of an eye. It happens. And it happens to everyone.

I don’t know the reason for writing this. But I do know that my thoughts are not limited to 140 characters of Twitter. I was supposed to tweet the first two sentences of this blog. But I realized I I have more to say than that.

What I am feeling right now is not sadness because the book tragically ends, or somehow it does, since death is a tragedy. Or amused because it was comically written, and you will love all the characters. From Gus down to the little girl named Jackie. I absolutely love the whole story. Although love is something more than just an easy word to say. But maybe, what I am feeling right now, is not actually a feeling. I do not feel. Or if ‘not feeling’ was actually a feeling after all. Its like I am empty, an empty shell. Nothing inside. So, okay. Maybe I am saying too many things right now. And I want this blog to end.

And I want to know how pain demands to be felt. Not the physical pain you feel when you are sick, because I believe its quite unbearable sometimes. I’ve been sick too. But not terminal. So, I may have wanted pain to demand me to feel it. But I guess we want things we do not have at this moment. And when it came, we wish we never really wanted it in the first place.

Yea, its confusing. But fuck yea, I must end this. Just read The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. Maybe the fault is not really in our stars, but in ourselves. Why should we blame the stars, anyways?

Amber 🙂