By the time you thought you are well over the days of self-destructive loneliness out of being broken, and starting on a new chapter with a guy whom you really like and possibly end up with, well you’re really not that over yet. i mean, yes you could be over “the guy” who soullessly rip your heart out. Being broken actually has some effects that would manifest as you find yourself falling in love again. You will succumbed to this paranoia that it might happen again. that every other guy you see is the same as the last who left you for someone else. It will be mind blowing, tugging at the ends of your thoughts every goddamn second. And all the time he is not beside you is a constant marathon of “what if he met someone better just like the last? what is wrong with me? What if he’s not really into it?” kind of ideas. Pure torture. and you start to wonder, how can you be fixed? i don’t really know the answer to that as you can see, I, too, is wondering. so how do you think?
What are we doing? cradling all the fear and pain inside of us. it’s almost as if we choose to suffer sometimes. Make the gray clouds black, so what? so everything else becomes more obvious? as if it isn’t already is. Your love lives a few miles from where you are, the answers are right in front of your eyes, written across the wall you have been staring for hours. Make up your mind, let go of the snake inside your heart. pain is not keeping you alive. the fact that you are longing for someone, wishing that one day you’ll have the courage to get in your car and drove that few miles to close the space and make her yours for the rest of your life. i’m only saying this, a whisper in the dark. because, i wish someone would do that to me. a faint hope. maybe it’s time i start to live my life.
feeling anxious all the time, swimming in this unfamiliar emotions you’ve been keeping a secret. Wanting to shout it for the world to know and at the same time afraid to do so. Longing for that person and waiting until the time has come, that the wall between you has come down and you can finally tell them how you feel. dreading what would happen next but dreading it more that you just had it to yourself. You are chasing every moment but you just can’t caught what you needed, and at the end of it all, you have to say it. whether it matters or not, you just had to let it go.
Thoughts are interrupted by the busy streets below, but on sleepless nights like this, i feel an unexplained sense of fear. i fear you, i fear the things that might be. as you get closer and what if, you don’t like what you find? are you going to run away as fast as the blur of cars i glimpsed at outside my window. are you going to leave a weighty anchor dragging me down as i drown in my own misery. what will you do? and what if, let’s say, i let you break these walls i built for years so that no one can ever see through me, in which way they can never hurt me. what if you did and i fall for you, because let’s admit it, you are pretty amazing and i don’t see why anyone wouldn’t. what if? am i going to succumb into emptiness again? wondering if there ever was wrong with me and if there is, tell me. i am helpless under your gaze, and if it seems like i don’t care, it took all my courage to act tough, but the truth is i crumble down at the sight of you. and this is the hardest part but yes you have the power to break me and i hope that you don’t do so.
There has been hundreds of scenario in your head about how you picture the day you will fall in love. i know. i know how you daydream about them during class lectures when you are seemingly listening to the obvious facts about the world. Tell me something i do not know. So you imagine the moment to be the day, finally, you will be knocked off of your feet, he is charming and he will melt your heart with his smile, and the eyes, ofcourse the eyes. deep and calculating and warm that you’ll fall for them the moment you see it so that everything else will look blurry. But what you really want to know is how it feels like. you’ve read loads of analogies, watch romance films, you stayed awake all night clutching your heart, wondering how it feels like to be in deep. You wrote another entry to you diary, reach for the bedside lamp and switch your whole world black.
Let me tell you something about falling in love. Not that I have a degree major in successful relationships, because i barely made it after the two moth period of dating. No, i’m not a genius at this kind of stuffs, it isn’t something i am good at. actually, i’ve been in that same position that you are in now, and all i can say is, your expectations will only break your heart. Love feels like flying for a little while, and then falling afterwards. When you fall for somebody, you don’t expect it, you don’t meet him once and know instantly that you’ll fall for this guy. You suffer this short period of battling with your emotions whether you like him or not. First you’ll be in denial, pretending like it’s nothing, you might even try to push him away, and then when he is well far away from you as you intended, you’ll soon realize what an ass you have become. you will reel him back in, but he was already let down. it could be too late or you could still prove yourself, but i tell you this so you won’t make the same mistake. be brave. brave enough to admit to yourself how you feel because love is unpredictable and it will hit you at times when you leas expect it to, love is fucking sadistic, “oh you want him? fine i’ll give this guys instead.” so be brave and be brave and for the last time be brave. don’t let the idea of him and you and how it would change the world affect what your heart tells you. don’t let it be too late, til you finally realize, you had let something you wish for so long pass right before your eyes and all you did is watch it go.
One day, i will call you. staring at the ceiling with bloodshot eyes. And i hope you answer, i hope you defy the order of things to come back and give me an answer.
Love is quiet somehow peaceful, a silent wish in a crowded room. Unpredictable, an unexplainable feeling at the middle of the night. It is calming and Gratifying. A heart shattering revelation. Laden feeling. A kind of pain you’d keep and feed until it eats you up and nothing is left anymore.