All my life, I worry I might not meet the man I’ll want to spend the rest of my life with. I worry that he will not come and he won’t find me. Since high school, I am not much of a girl who change her relationship status like girls change clothes. I am not much into guys but I admit I’d like a few guys before. Some remain unrequited but mostly, it was them whose likeness towards me remain one-sided. I am not sure if today is the karma I am getting for playing safe too much but honestly, its no fun being alone. I thought perhaps I deserve more than those who I met before so I painstakingly wait for the right one to come. But maybe my friend was right to say I let something I wish for so long to pass right before my eyes and all I did was watch. I always thought there is someone who’ll come and be patient, way more patient than the guys who went after me, to wait for me and perhaps woo me again in the future. But who am I kidding? No one can wait for that long, especially if I am not showing much interest to them. People are right to say that you will only realize what you have until it’s gone. And no one’s trying to win me over now. It sucks you know, as a girl, who looks ordinary yet deserving to have her own love story, to see it not happening to her. To witness her life as love-less, soul-less girl who turned down all creature who tried to win her. It was like, do I deserve it? Or maybe the question really here is, did they deserve it? It was not like I turned them down hard, more like I friend-zoned them. But still, if they really are into me, they could somehow fight for their feelings right? But who am I to bull? Feelings change. Perhaps they woke up one day and found themselves thinking “How did I even liked her?” or they woke up out of their reverie. I am feeling empty right now. I miss the attention people gave to me. I am that selfish. I want attention as much as other girls want it. I want my love to be perfect, I wanna be perfect. It’s my selfish desire. And we all do have our own desire.
I just wish mine would somehow happen.
feeling anxious all the time, swimming in this unfamiliar emotions you’ve been keeping a secret. Wanting to shout it for the world to know and at the same time afraid to do so. Longing for that person and waiting until the time has come, that the wall between you has come down and you can finally tell them how you feel. dreading what would happen next but dreading it more that you just had it to yourself. You are chasing every moment but you just can’t caught what you needed, and at the end of it all, you have to say it. whether it matters or not, you just had to let it go.
Thoughts are interrupted by the busy streets below, but on sleepless nights like this, i feel an unexplained sense of fear. i fear you, i fear the things that might be. as you get closer and what if, you don’t like what you find? are you going to run away as fast as the blur of cars i glimpsed at outside my window. are you going to leave a weighty anchor dragging me down as i drown in my own misery. what will you do? and what if, let’s say, i let you break these walls i built for years so that no one can ever see through me, in which way they can never hurt me. what if you did and i fall for you, because let’s admit it, you are pretty amazing and i don’t see why anyone wouldn’t. what if? am i going to succumb into emptiness again? wondering if there ever was wrong with me and if there is, tell me. i am helpless under your gaze, and if it seems like i don’t care, it took all my courage to act tough, but the truth is i crumble down at the sight of you. and this is the hardest part but yes you have the power to break me and i hope that you don’t do so.
There has been hundreds of scenario in your head about how you picture the day you will fall in love. i know. i know how you daydream about them during class lectures when you are seemingly listening to the obvious facts about the world. Tell me something i do not know. So you imagine the moment to be the day, finally, you will be knocked off of your feet, he is charming and he will melt your heart with his smile, and the eyes, ofcourse the eyes. deep and calculating and warm that you’ll fall for them the moment you see it so that everything else will look blurry. But what you really want to know is how it feels like. you’ve read loads of analogies, watch romance films, you stayed awake all night clutching your heart, wondering how it feels like to be in deep. You wrote another entry to you diary, reach for the bedside lamp and switch your whole world black.
Let me tell you something about falling in love. Not that I have a degree major in successful relationships, because i barely made it after the two moth period of dating. No, i’m not a genius at this kind of stuffs, it isn’t something i am good at. actually, i’ve been in that same position that you are in now, and all i can say is, your expectations will only break your heart. Love feels like flying for a little while, and then falling afterwards. When you fall for somebody, you don’t expect it, you don’t meet him once and know instantly that you’ll fall for this guy. You suffer this short period of battling with your emotions whether you like him or not. First you’ll be in denial, pretending like it’s nothing, you might even try to push him away, and then when he is well far away from you as you intended, you’ll soon realize what an ass you have become. you will reel him back in, but he was already let down. it could be too late or you could still prove yourself, but i tell you this so you won’t make the same mistake. be brave. brave enough to admit to yourself how you feel because love is unpredictable and it will hit you at times when you leas expect it to, love is fucking sadistic, “oh you want him? fine i’ll give this guys instead.” so be brave and be brave and for the last time be brave. don’t let the idea of him and you and how it would change the world affect what your heart tells you. don’t let it be too late, til you finally realize, you had let something you wish for so long pass right before your eyes and all you did is watch it go.
One day, i will call you. staring at the ceiling with bloodshot eyes. And i hope you answer, i hope you defy the order of things to come back and give me an answer.
Love is quiet somehow peaceful, a silent wish in a crowded room. Unpredictable, an unexplainable feeling at the middle of the night. It is calming and Gratifying. A heart shattering revelation. Laden feeling. A kind of pain you’d keep and feed until it eats you up and nothing is left anymore.
Tonight is one of the nights wherein I had so many thoughts running inside my head. Thoughts about my ‘miserable life’, about dramas, chances I never took, opportunities I passed on.
You see, I’m almost on my 20s. I should not be acting like a teenager, and thinking like one for that matter. I should have been over the “I hate my life, stay away from me” or “rebellious” moment. I should have experienced a broken heart, confessions, nights walking hand in hand with someone, cuddle, kiss, etc. It was supposed to happen, but you see, I am not the person who take the risk. I know where to stop. I know how to play safe. And it was probably not very good at all, since at the end of the day, neither I lose nor won. So, it felt empty, for me. This is the reason why I wrote this. So I can look back and think, and probably regret the things I never took, or which I took for granted. The person I met, the guys who showed likeness towards me, the guys I liked and somehow loved. It’s all too much right now.
IF ONLY… this is the phrase that I dreaded saying, because it starting to sound common to my ears. “If only this and that and blah blah blah…” My nightmares are starting to eat me up alive, and tonight is probably one of those nights I wish never happens.
Oh, how melodramatic do I sound.