It’s hard being “just yourself”

When we meet new people, we certainly try to make an impression. We consciously make an effort for them to see us the way we wanted to be seen – be it by our looks or how we treat them. It’s an added bonus if by meeting them for the first time, they would like to have a second hang-out with us. But one of the hardest thing is to keep that image unshaken. We always wanted to impress others, especially the ones that caught our attention. For us girls, we wanted to look best during our dates, specifically our first dates, because we want the boys to see us in a way we particularly wanted to be seen – amazing, beautiful, glamorous – you name it. But we all know impressions don’t last and there’s a proverbial fact that truth will set us free, I suppose that the image you’d been holding on for so long or not-so-long will crack and someone will see you beneath that mask.

Being yourself is such a hard thing to do. We assume that showing the “real” us will mean that we’re baring ourselves to the world. That people will know our flaws, and they won’t accept us for that. We always wanted to look best and let them see it that way. But remember you deserve someone who will truly accept you for whatever character you have. Be it mean, obnoxious, self-indulgent person you truly are. I believe there is good and bad inside of us. We cannot simply put a word to describe who we really are because we are evolving every single day. There may be days when we feel like we must do something good so we help other people and days when we just felt like being mean so we bitch them out. But the person who chose to be with you in every day – whether good or bad – is a person worth spending your time with.

Maybe next time I’ll take note of this and won’t be such a hypocrite 🙂



Moved on, from what exactly?

By the time you thought you are well over the days of self-destructive loneliness out of being broken, and starting on a new chapter with a guy whom you really like and possibly end up with, well you’re really not that over yet. i mean, yes you could be over “the guy” who soullessly rip your heart out. Being broken actually has some effects that would manifest as you find yourself falling in love again. You will succumbed to this paranoia that it might happen again. that every other guy you see is the same as the last who left you for someone else. It will be mind blowing, tugging at the ends of your thoughts every goddamn second. And all the time he is not beside you is a constant marathon of “what if he met someone better just like the last? what is wrong with me? What if he’s not really into it?” kind of ideas. Pure torture. and you start to wonder, how can you be fixed? i don’t really know the answer to that as you can see, I, too, is wondering. so how do you think?


Failed chances and knockdown opportunities

Tonight is one of the nights wherein I had so many thoughts running inside my head. Thoughts about my ‘miserable life’, about dramas, chances I never took, opportunities I passed on.

You see, I’m almost on my 20s. I should not be acting like a teenager, and thinking like one for that matter. I should have been over the “I hate my life, stay away from me” or “rebellious” moment. I should have experienced a broken heart, confessions, nights walking hand in hand with someone, cuddle, kiss, etc. It was supposed to happen, but you see, I am not the person who take the risk. I know where to stop. I know how to play safe. And it was probably not very good at all, since at the end of the day, neither I lose nor won. So, it felt empty, for me. This is the reason why I wrote this. So I can look back and think, and probably regret the things I never took, or which I took for granted. The person I met, the guys who showed likeness towards me, the guys I liked and somehow loved. It’s all too much right now.

IF ONLY… this is the phrase that I dreaded saying, because it starting to sound common to my ears. “If only this and that and blah blah blah…” My nightmares are starting to eat me up alive, and tonight is probably one of those nights I wish never happens.

Oh, how melodramatic do I sound.

Promises are never kept.

When will you store it in the first place? Promises, full of promises. Life is so full of that. Forever promises. Infinite promises. What kind of promises are stored out there? People, always make promises. Always use the word “promise” in their sentences, especially in dire times. When they needed it most. When someone needs reassurance. We simply have to promise anything, though unimaginable and impossible. We still do it, say it, promise it. That’s what promises do. It never was and never will be kept locked to forever, because forever is bullshit. Promises are bullshits. Its just words spoken by people who doesn’t know any better. Words spoken between friends, loved ones, couples, married ones, etc.

Promises sucks. So that’s all my mind has to say. I won’t bullshitting anyone. But I know I am talking shit, even though promises are bullshits. It adds drama to life. And what more a person could wish for? More drama.

Realizing the fault is not in our stars.

So right now I can’t get over Gus and Hazel Grace. Their story was like An Imperial Affliction. It ends in the middle of the story. Or I guess it doesn’t really end. It leaves you hanging, wanting for more. Their story don’t have an ending. It leaves you wondering what could have happened with Hazel Grace, if her death was the same as Gus. Or if she really died or survived a few more years. We don’t exactly know what happened in her life after the last sentences of the novel. If Isaac might have an eye transplant or what. But I learned from the book that once a novel ends, it ends with its characters. There’s no more story after that. It was up to you to make it, or to accept that it ends there. Just like life, death happens in the middle of life. The universe will not stop when someone died. It still goes on. So death was just a passing time. A fleeting glance. A second pause. It could be an hour, days, months, or years to someone. But its only a blink of an eye. It happens. And it happens to everyone.

I don’t know the reason for writing this. But I do know that my thoughts are not limited to 140 characters of Twitter. I was supposed to tweet the first two sentences of this blog. But I realized I I have more to say than that.

What I am feeling right now is not sadness because the book tragically ends, or somehow it does, since death is a tragedy. Or amused because it was comically written, and you will love all the characters. From Gus down to the little girl named Jackie. I absolutely love the whole story. Although love is something more than just an easy word to say. But maybe, what I am feeling right now, is not actually a feeling. I do not feel. Or if ‘not feeling’ was actually a feeling after all. Its like I am empty, an empty shell. Nothing inside. So, okay. Maybe I am saying too many things right now. And I want this blog to end.

And I want to know how pain demands to be felt. Not the physical pain you feel when you are sick, because I believe its quite unbearable sometimes. I’ve been sick too. But not terminal. So, I may have wanted pain to demand me to feel it. But I guess we want things we do not have at this moment. And when it came, we wish we never really wanted it in the first place.

Yea, its confusing. But fuck yea, I must end this. Just read The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. Maybe the fault is not really in our stars, but in ourselves. Why should we blame the stars, anyways?

Amber 🙂

The idea of “nothingness”

When your world seems to be in oblivion and you lost yourself in the process of reaching out for a false dream. A dream you thought would make you wanting more from it, but it was a lie you continuously believe. A lie that wakes you every morning feeling tired and frustrated because yesterday was the same as the other days before, and it will be for today, tomorrow, and the succeeding days. Will you let it happen in your life? Will you let your ignorance grow until you lose your will of living?

The idea of nothingness fears me. When I started building up all these feelings inside my chest, I am afraid it might explode one day. And this might happen soon.

* I can’t express myself now even in writing. I feel as if I even lost my emotions.*