It’s hard being “just yourself”

When we meet new people, we certainly try to make an impression. We consciously make an effort for them to see us the way we wanted to be seen – be it by our looks or how we treat them. It’s an added bonus if by meeting them for the first time, they would like to have a second hang-out with us. But one of the hardest thing is to keep that image unshaken. We always wanted to impress others, especially the ones that caught our attention. For us girls, we wanted to look best during our dates, specifically our first dates, because we want the boys to see us in a way we particularly wanted to be seen – amazing, beautiful, glamorous – you name it. But we all know impressions don’t last and there’s a proverbial fact that truth will set us free, I suppose that the image you’d been holding on for so long or not-so-long will crack and someone will see you beneath that mask.

Being yourself is such a hard thing to do. We assume that showing the “real” us will mean that we’re baring ourselves to the world. That people will know our flaws, and they won’t accept us for that. We always wanted to look best and let them see it that way. But remember you deserve someone who will truly accept you for whatever character you have. Be it mean, obnoxious, self-indulgent person you truly are. I believe there is good and bad inside of us. We cannot simply put a word to describe who we really are because we are evolving every single day. There may be days when we feel like we must do something good so we help other people and days when we just felt like being mean so we bitch them out. But the person who chose to be with you in every day – whether good or bad – is a person worth spending your time with.

Maybe next time I’ll take note of this and won’t be such a hypocrite 🙂

♥A

Of course it will be better

It’s Christmas season and it was supposed to be jolly, fun, and exciting. But remind me again why am I spending my Christmas time inside our house without any adventures, or should I say, it’s an absolute bore in here? Days passed by like a blur and I am pretty sure it’s not the story I’d want to share with my friends when classes resumed. It’s always been like this as far as I could remember how my Christmases went. Although I’ve come to the point wherein I just accepted this saddening fact about my life. I just try to think that my life is much better compared to others who don’t have a family or even a home to spend their Christmas time with. However mundane or boring my life now, I still should be thankful that I am not experiencing some bigger problems in life and I am not overly depressed at the moment. Well, it’s quite depressing to think you’re not having the best Christmas break of your life. But still, this is bearable.

I guess I grew up now to adapt in my surroundings. Before, I was having a hard time accepting this imperfect part of my life that I am limited to do what I really want but those limitations taught me that in life, you cannot always get what you want when you want it, you just have to be happy with what you  have and make the most out of it. I always picture myself to be a better much stronger person and that these days, weeks, or years, too, shall pass. I still have tomorrow to look forward to and I just need to make sure that today will end up quite better than yesterday.

Although its somehow imperative for us to have regrets for the things we never did and try out, let’s think of our regrets as a lesson that if we’re given again another next time, then we’ll take the chance and face all the consequences, good or bad.

It’s exhausting to think how pathetic my life had been but still, I think in the future, all will be well.

Love,

A

So I don’t know what to say anymore

All my life, I worry I might not meet the man I’ll want to spend the rest of my life with. I worry that he will not come and he won’t find me. Since high school, I am not much of a girl who change her relationship status like girls change clothes. I am not much into guys but I admit I’d like a few guys before. Some remain unrequited but mostly, it was them whose likeness towards me remain one-sided. I am not sure if today is the karma I am getting for playing safe too much but honestly, its no fun being alone. I thought perhaps I deserve more than those who I met before so I painstakingly wait for the right one to come. But maybe my friend was right to say I let something I wish for so long to pass right before my eyes and all I did was watch. I always thought there is someone who’ll come and be patient, way more patient than the guys who went after me, to wait for me and perhaps woo me again in the future. But who am I kidding? No one can wait for that long, especially if I am not showing much interest to them. People are right to say that you will only realize what you have until it’s gone. And no one’s trying to win me over now. It sucks you know, as a girl, who looks ordinary yet deserving to have her own love story, to see it not happening to her. To witness her life as love-less, soul-less girl who turned down all creature who tried to win her. It was like, do I deserve it? Or maybe the question really here is, did they deserve it? It was not like I turned them down hard, more like I friend-zoned them. But still, if they really are into me, they could somehow fight for their feelings right? But who am I to bull? Feelings change. Perhaps they woke up one day and found themselves thinking “How did I even liked her?” or they woke up out of their reverie. I am feeling empty right now. I miss the attention people gave to me. I am that selfish. I want attention as much as other girls want it. I want my love to be perfect, I wanna be perfect. It’s my selfish desire. And we all do have our own desire.

I just wish mine would somehow happen.

-A

Failed chances and knockdown opportunities

Tonight is one of the nights wherein I had so many thoughts running inside my head. Thoughts about my ‘miserable life’, about dramas, chances I never took, opportunities I passed on.

You see, I’m almost on my 20s. I should not be acting like a teenager, and thinking like one for that matter. I should have been over the “I hate my life, stay away from me” or “rebellious” moment. I should have experienced a broken heart, confessions, nights walking hand in hand with someone, cuddle, kiss, etc. It was supposed to happen, but you see, I am not the person who take the risk. I know where to stop. I know how to play safe. And it was probably not very good at all, since at the end of the day, neither I lose nor won. So, it felt empty, for me. This is the reason why I wrote this. So I can look back and think, and probably regret the things I never took, or which I took for granted. The person I met, the guys who showed likeness towards me, the guys I liked and somehow loved. It’s all too much right now.

IF ONLY… this is the phrase that I dreaded saying, because it starting to sound common to my ears. “If only this and that and blah blah blah…” My nightmares are starting to eat me up alive, and tonight is probably one of those nights I wish never happens.

Oh, how melodramatic do I sound.

Promises are never kept.

When will you store it in the first place? Promises, full of promises. Life is so full of that. Forever promises. Infinite promises. What kind of promises are stored out there? People, always make promises. Always use the word “promise” in their sentences, especially in dire times. When they needed it most. When someone needs reassurance. We simply have to promise anything, though unimaginable and impossible. We still do it, say it, promise it. That’s what promises do. It never was and never will be kept locked to forever, because forever is bullshit. Promises are bullshits. Its just words spoken by people who doesn’t know any better. Words spoken between friends, loved ones, couples, married ones, etc.

Promises sucks. So that’s all my mind has to say. I won’t bullshitting anyone. But I know I am talking shit, even though promises are bullshits. It adds drama to life. And what more a person could wish for? More drama.

I’m not prepared for this

I haven’t thought of writing about something lately. Probably because of my hectic schedule these past few months, the 9pm dismissal class, the late night studying, or maybe I just don’t feel like it. Because I lose my feelings, or that odd sense of contentment you feel when you’re writing. Like its the best thing you ever do. Like you are free to express yourself to the world. Like everyone can see you on your naked glory.

But, it doesn’t went that way for me. I know I am not into writing. I am not good at words, or I cannot even finish a book right now. Why? Because I just don’t “feel” like it. Just like I don’t “feel” like studying tonight for our quiz on Monday, or not going out and do something new, weird, exciting, or fun. I am not here wallowing myself into drama. I don’t like dramas. In fact last night I went out with a few friends for a karaoke night that we missed doing for a year. I could say that night went great. But the feeling is only temporary. I only felt happy at that moment, not the happiness that would wake you up smiling everyday. Because life for me is not like that. I lost my sense of direction, its skewed actually. I am achieving to just get over with accounting that I barely know what I am capable of doing anymore. I said I wasn’t a good writer, but do you need to be good at words to be a good writer? Or what you need is for yourself to believe that you are or could be a good writer?

Just like I told myself I am a good singer, but I don’t practice it. Partially because I am busy, nor maybe I just don’t find time to do things I’d love to do the most. I am limiting myself to what I have now, not really maximizing opportunities. I don’t like it. I never like it. But I kept on doing it. I do it everyday. And I’m pretty sure I’ll never stop doing it.

Am I making sense here? It’s kind of tiring to think that, “My life sucks”, “I’m an emo, leave me alone”, “Fuck off people”, “Whatever” or yea, whatever,  because your life should not supposed to be thinking what’s bad about you, what you cannot achieve, or what you don’t want to achieve at this moment. Believe me, you always needed those people around you. You can’t be just by yourself, although you needed time to be alone. But eventually, you’ll feel like the world don’t care for you and think that those people around you are only fooling you. That they’re fake and they pretend to like you, but please, it’s you who also don’t like them. It was you who’s thinking that thing. So don’t put the blame on others.

Wanna know who’s the “you” that I am talking about? It could be yes, me, but it could also be the “you” you. So if you’re reading this, you’d probably think that I’m being weird again but its okay because I know you’re weird as me and we love it.

This isn’t being bizarre. This is  me speaking my thoughts out loud and trying to write it permanently, so other people would read this in their spare time, or just because they miss me.

So well, don’t give a shit about life. Don’t make it hard on yourself. If being happy is being selfish, then I don’t know! Just continue to be happy I guess? You’re not born to please other people, you’re born to please yourself. But be sure that at the deepest bottom of your heart, it’s what you really want.

Yea, I am not fucking prepared to write this. So just bear with me. I have no idea what I am talking about.

Fears

I DONT WANT to let go just yet. Can you imagine it? Walking on your own? Hunting for jobs, working for your living, carrying that heavy feeling that your parents are waiting for your first pay, first treat? It is all too grown-up-ish to me. And I cant… I dont think I am up for that yet. Isnt it scary, mortifying, like you are out on a battlefield, with your  sword and armor clinking with your gears, but you never  had experience to swing, never once in your life, but then you are expected to be good at it, to be able to perform well like a hardcore killer not making mistakes. If I could freeze time right now. If  I can only keep this moment forever, with friends, with this carefree youth, with your happiness on your hands. I admit I am afraid of responsibilities. I am afraid that they will depend on me. That there will be an expectation on me. But the world is too large and I feel so small. I am not ready to be out yet. I feel like anytime, I can be easily broken, out there.