Moved on, from what exactly?

By the time you thought you are well over the days of self-destructive loneliness out of being broken, and starting on a new chapter with a guy whom you really like and possibly end up with, well you’re really not that over yet. i mean, yes you could be over “the guy” who soullessly rip your heart out. Being broken actually has some effects that would manifest as you find yourself falling in love again. You will succumbed to this paranoia that it might happen again. that every other guy you see is the same as the last who left you for someone else. It will be mind blowing, tugging at the ends of your thoughts every goddamn second. And all the time he is not beside you is a constant marathon of “what if he met someone better just like the last? what is wrong with me? What if he’s not really into it?” kind of ideas. Pure torture. and you start to wonder, how can you be fixed? i don’t really know the answer to that as you can see, I, too, is wondering. so how do you think?



i’m not living, i’m just killing time

What are we doing? cradling all the fear and pain inside of us. it’s almost as if we choose to suffer sometimes. Make the gray clouds black, so what? so everything else becomes more obvious? as if it isn’t already is. Your love lives a few miles from where you are, the answers are right in front of your eyes, written across the wall you have been staring for hours. Make up your mind, let go of the snake inside your heart. pain is not keeping you alive. the fact that you are longing for someone, wishing that one day you’ll have the courage to get in your car and drove that few miles to close the space and make her yours for the rest of your life. i’m only saying this, a whisper in the dark. because, i wish someone would do that to me. a faint hope. maybe it’s time i start to live my life.

falling for someone and you can’t tell them

feeling anxious all the time, swimming in this unfamiliar emotions you’ve been keeping a secret. Wanting to shout it for the world to know and at the same time afraid to do so. Longing for that person and waiting until the time has come, that the wall between you has come down and you can finally tell them how you feel. dreading what would happen next but dreading it more that you just had it to yourself. You are chasing every moment but you just can’t caught what you needed, and at the end of it all, you have to say it. whether it matters or not, you just had to let it go.


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My hands pressed tightly on my hips and feet planted firmly on the ground. To you, I dare not risk a glance. You said, “You did something wrong, you’re stuttering and keep looking down on your shoes.” It’s not my feelings that betrayed me, it’s how well you knew me and there is nothing to hide. “Listen.” I began. I am more than scared, I feel bare, like the world is seeing too much of me. But you just have to know. Tomorrow you will leave me, but you just have to know.


Love is what?

I don’t know what love is. Maybe its the feeling you get when you see your parents during weekends, or that moment when you pet your cats and talk to them, cuddle each of them, or its when you watch a sappy movie and your heart constrict you cannot take it any longer so you’ll burst into tears, but after that movie you’ll just go back to the usual things you’re doing, and think “Why is my life not like a movie?”

Oh well, I don’t feel any romantic love for the opposite sex right now. So the fairy tales, the happy ever after, the forever love for each other, the promises, the sweetness, the balloons, cakes, and roses during Valentine’s day, the movies together, the kiss, the holding hands, the hugs and sex, the late night text and call with each other, the flirting, and whatever it is that couples do. I don’t do that. Simply because I am not with someone. I am just by myself, alone, waiting, frustrated… okay, so I am not frustrated. Actually, it’s okay for me. Because who needs someone anyway? If I don’t feel like falling in love or loving someone or looking for that prince charming of mine, then it’s okay.

I still have remaining years for me to do that. Actually, I could do that right now. If only I could feel the love that they were describing in books, or showing in the movies. Because at this moment, I realize, love is the hardest thing to find.

Not the shallow love some teenagers think that’s true love, but the real love love with no happy endings, no forever love, no promises, no balloons, cakes, and roses during Valentine’s day. Just you and him together because you wanted to be. For no reason, no apprehensions, no doubts. Just love, that love.

So, I am being a hopeless romantic right now. For a change, I guess.

Is it too much to ask?

The broken promises, lies, shattered hopes, painful memories…heartaches.

Once upon a time might be a fairy tale that never exists… an imagination that never became real. An action which never took place and never will. I was blinded by my high standards. I kept on holding back. Never try hard to do things I’d longed to, even before. I’ve lost my chance, lost all the countless opportunities… because I’ve been too absorbed on my own world. I’ve cling too much on a fairy tale, that I’ve lost the chance of a happily-ever-after.

Trying so hard. Always looking for more. Trusting so much about fate. But not actually falling.

At the end of the day, it all comes back to my fragmented reality.