It’s Christmas season and it was supposed to be jolly, fun, and exciting. But remind me again why am I spending my Christmas time inside our house without any adventures, or should I say, it’s an absolute bore in here? Days passed by like a blur and I am pretty sure it’s not the story I’d want to share with my friends when classes resumed. It’s always been like this as far as I could remember how my Christmases went. Although I’ve come to the point wherein I just accepted this saddening fact about my life. I just try to think that my life is much better compared to others who don’t have a family or even a home to spend their Christmas time with. However mundane or boring my life now, I still should be thankful that I am not experiencing some bigger problems in life and I am not overly depressed at the moment. Well, it’s quite depressing to think you’re not having the best Christmas break of your life. But still, this is bearable.
I guess I grew up now to adapt in my surroundings. Before, I was having a hard time accepting this imperfect part of my life that I am limited to do what I really want but those limitations taught me that in life, you cannot always get what you want when you want it, you just have to be happy with what you have and make the most out of it. I always picture myself to be a better much stronger person and that these days, weeks, or years, too, shall pass. I still have tomorrow to look forward to and I just need to make sure that today will end up quite better than yesterday.
Although its somehow imperative for us to have regrets for the things we never did and try out, let’s think of our regrets as a lesson that if we’re given again another next time, then we’ll take the chance and face all the consequences, good or bad.
It’s exhausting to think how pathetic my life had been but still, I think in the future, all will be well.
All my life, I worry I might not meet the man I’ll want to spend the rest of my life with. I worry that he will not come and he won’t find me. Since high school, I am not much of a girl who change her relationship status like girls change clothes. I am not much into guys but I admit I’d like a few guys before. Some remain unrequited but mostly, it was them whose likeness towards me remain one-sided. I am not sure if today is the karma I am getting for playing safe too much but honestly, its no fun being alone. I thought perhaps I deserve more than those who I met before so I painstakingly wait for the right one to come. But maybe my friend was right to say I let something I wish for so long to pass right before my eyes and all I did was watch. I always thought there is someone who’ll come and be patient, way more patient than the guys who went after me, to wait for me and perhaps woo me again in the future. But who am I kidding? No one can wait for that long, especially if I am not showing much interest to them. People are right to say that you will only realize what you have until it’s gone. And no one’s trying to win me over now. It sucks you know, as a girl, who looks ordinary yet deserving to have her own love story, to see it not happening to her. To witness her life as love-less, soul-less girl who turned down all creature who tried to win her. It was like, do I deserve it? Or maybe the question really here is, did they deserve it? It was not like I turned them down hard, more like I friend-zoned them. But still, if they really are into me, they could somehow fight for their feelings right? But who am I to bull? Feelings change. Perhaps they woke up one day and found themselves thinking “How did I even liked her?” or they woke up out of their reverie. I am feeling empty right now. I miss the attention people gave to me. I am that selfish. I want attention as much as other girls want it. I want my love to be perfect, I wanna be perfect. It’s my selfish desire. And we all do have our own desire.
I just wish mine would somehow happen.
for what reason do we hate? from which part of our human soul did anger came from? sometimes it is mindless, but mostly it is pure. hating and loving in equal measure. cradling the hurt inside our heart until it turn us into stone, enough to break, to kill, to wish for a world made for us alone.