Moved on, from what exactly?

By the time you thought you are well over the days of self-destructive loneliness out of being broken, and starting on a new chapter with a guy whom you really like and possibly end up with, well you’re really not that over yet. i mean, yes you could be over “the guy” who soullessly rip your heart out. Being broken actually has some effects that would manifest as you find yourself falling in love again. You will succumbed to this paranoia that it might happen again. that every other guy you see is the same as the last who left you for someone else. It will be mind blowing, tugging at the ends of your thoughts every goddamn second. And all the time he is not beside you is a constant marathon of “what if he met someone better just like the last? what is wrong with me? What if he’s not really into it?” kind of ideas. Pure torture. and you start to wonder, how can you be fixed? i don’t really know the answer to that as you can see, I, too, is wondering. so how do you think?



i fear the sea

I fear the sea. Not because of drowning or the creature lurking in its murky water. I am afraid to be imprisoned in its sinister depth, enclosed by perpetuity of darkness. Constantly, I thought the sea is a sad realm, with its boring moss color and chilly feel, with its pounding waves pulling you to its pits to keep you there eternally barred in the shadow cage of vast oblivion. I always stayed at the shore where little waves claw at my feet, alluring me to its territory, to try the waters, but I never give in. I know it’s all a ploy. I go as far as standing on massive boulder of rock by the shore, high enough that the striking waves couldn’t reach me. The wind tasted of salt, biting cold at my cheeks. I stare down at the menacing sea, feeling as though I got one foot on its chest on top of that rock. Only, I don’t feel conquest but shaking of the knees. I must have been trembling really awful and uncontrollably, because my feet skid on the edge, grazing my skin, until I’m no longer standing but plunging, and my heart caught on my throat as the titanic beast open its colossal mouth to receive me. Then two things happened; first I feel the force of the water as it engulf me and I waited for the worse things, secondly, there is no despair nor cells to imprison me.  I waited for the dread to approach but there is only darkness, and it is closing me in really fast, but I didn’t feel trapped or caged. To tell you the truth, I’ve never in my life feel free before, never feel as light as now. I let my entire body tune in to the rhythm of the sea; I embrace the void as it welcomes me. Draftiness is warming my body and fear dissolve like the shaft of light above my head. I swim deeper to freedom, never resurfacing ever again for I found my new world now. And I am to make up for those occasion I wasn’t here. I am to reside here forever, its darkness are my light.




my thoughts is really in a whirl..God is viewed always as the first cause, a supreme being which created us all for the catholics, a god nature for the deists. religion sure makes this all more confusing…when i think about this and look at it more closely, they are just believing in one god. but how about the teaching of other religions? are this just crap invented by people? i’ll take the bible for example, i viewed jesus christ as a philosopher (for him if we care for others we will be save, we will be rewarded with an eternal life in heaven.) i know the history of christianity i’m a christian, but i find it unfair to baptize us when we were babies and we don’t know how to make a decision yet. and now that i’m old enough to choose my own belief i cannot entrap myself with my religion.

some scientists calls god her and not him, because for them god is mother earth. which is not surprising because they are scientist which rely on science and have been trying to prove ever since that natural laws are the answer to all our supernatural questions. but isn’t god the creator of nature?
and with this question i come up with another idea. but first i will tell you something about us humans. and i want you to open your mind and try to reason things out.

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.” So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. – (Gen. 1:26-27 NIV)
our life is not only a matter of connection with god or supreme being. the statement above, if you will read between the lines, supposed we are created of the same real meaning/fundamental nature/essence as god. and i’m sure you know, we are essentially made up of cells. everything in our world is, plants, animals, humans, things… we are all like god, or in other words “conciousness”.
god is a creator. aren’t we? we’ve seen the evolution of time…we’ve witnessed the inventions coming forth day after day, we’ve transform our whole planet that no one can hamper in the beginning of time, now we can see the universe, we can measure the distance of moon and sun. and we continue on going forward, the only limit is ourselves. which send us back to my question.. isn’t god the creator of nature? or god is nature?
but saying this doesn’t mean i whole heartedly believe it. because we are all assuming no matter how we dedicate ourselves into understanding this. no one really knows. like i said in the diest site, this is a very complex matter and we have a very little time. one thing is certain though, we will all die and find out.

sometimes, i wish i never learned this things. i envy children…because they are innocent about the world. their minds are uncloudy and they don’t need to know how they came to be. well, i don’t need to know if i want to, but i find it illogical to live without knowing where your life and everything else you are living in came from. i don’t want to be just a naked ape. but sometimes, at night when there is nothing else to think but these crazy thoughts, and i feel like i’m loosing my head out of thinking but actually going nowhere, i think it’s better to just be a naked ape after all.