i’m not living, i’m just killing time

What are we doing? cradling all the fear and pain inside of us. it’s almost as if we choose to suffer sometimes. Make the gray clouds black, so what? so everything else becomes more obvious? as if it isn’t already is. Your love lives a few miles from where you are, the answers are right in front of your eyes, written across the wall you have been staring for hours. Make up your mind, let go of the snake inside your heart. pain is not keeping you alive. the fact that you are longing for someone, wishing that one day you’ll have the courage to get in your car and drove that few miles to close the space and make her yours for the rest of your life. i’m only saying this, a whisper in the dark. because, i wish someone would do that to me. a faint hope. maybe it’s time i start to live my life.

december

Thoughts are interrupted by the busy streets below, but on sleepless nights like this, i feel an¬†unexplained¬†sense of fear. i fear you, i fear the things that might be. as you get closer and what if, you don’t like what you find? are you going to run away as fast as the blur of cars i glimpsed at outside my window. are you going to leave a weighty anchor dragging me down as i drown in my own misery. what will you do? and what if, let’s say, i let you break these walls i built for years so that no one can ever see through me, in which way they can never hurt me. what if you did and i fall for you, because let’s admit it, you are pretty amazing and i don’t see why anyone wouldn’t. what if? am i going to succumb into emptiness again? wondering if there ever was wrong with me and if there is, tell me. i am helpless under your gaze, and if it seems like i don’t care, it took all my courage to act tough, but the truth is i crumble down at the sight of you. and this is the hardest part but yes you have the power to break me and i hope that you don’t do so.

-logan